Awesome Replies to Adult Questions

(Miss Universe Contest)

USA
Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman..
(Applause! Applause!)

Melvin Durai's Humor: "GIVE YOURSELF AN EDGE IN THE JOB MARKET"

Column at Nshima.com

These are tough economic times in America and elsewhere. If
you're like me, you're saving money any way you can. I've
cancelled my cable, invested in a good pair of binoculars
and started watching my neighbor's TV. Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a
job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since
so many companies are giving their employees -- even the
male ones -- pink slips. Competition for jobs is so intense
that chess champ Vishwanathan Anand has been flooded
with applications, all because someone wrote that he has
"good openings."

With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give
themselves an edge. That's why I've decided to offer a few
tips to help people stand out from the crowd. Some of these
tips may seem obvious, but, trust me, they're often
overlooked.

---Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was
strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America
by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job."
Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little
harder: "Me wants job."

These days, three words of English aren't enough to secure a
job in any part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must
learn at least six words, particularly these six: "Would you
like fries with that?"

They may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really
struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food
restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like
flies with that?"

The restaurants, as you can imagine, received many customer
complaints, such as the one from a West Virginia man who
threw his meal at the manager, shouting: "I thought I was
getting flies with my burger, not fries."

---Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing. Two or
three are OK, but when your entire body is green, the only
people you're likely to impress are environmentalists. Well,
perhaps a few others too, but they probably won't offer you
a job, unless one of them is a farmer and, with planting
season coming around, needs another scarecrow.

(Yes, I know: some tattoos are works of art. In fact,
Leonardo Da Vinci first tattooed the Mona Lisa on a friend's
backside. Unfortunately nipple rings weren't common in those
days, so he couldn't hang his friend in a gallery.)

---Tip #3: Put your best foot forward at the job interview.
This can be hard, especially if your feet look the same.
Your friends can probably help you figure out which foot is
better, but if you're still unsure, consult a podiatrist.

---Tip #4: Dress for success. Too many people,
unfortunately, dress for failure. Don't expect Chase Bank to
hire you if you're wearing a T-shirt that says "Go bonkers!"
The least you can do is change the second 'o' to an 'a.'

---Tip #5: Groom yourself well. If you're a man, it's
probably a good idea to trim your nails, mustache and any
unruly locks of nose hair. If you're a woman, resist the
temptation to dye your hair orange -- unless you're applying
for a job as a traffic cone.

---Tip #6: Try to smell good. The most important thing you
can do to smell good is take a bath, even if you've already
taken one this year. You can practice water conservation
AFTER the interview. A little perfume or cologne would also
help, but don't empty the bottle, unless you want to spend
your day reviving the interviewer.

---Tip #7: Do some research. Employers are impressed when
you know something about them. You might want to find out,
for example, what they do. Don't ask the manager of Cracker
Barrel how heavy the barrels are. And don't ask the
recruiter at Samsung what exactly it was that Sam sung.

---Tip #8: Don't do drugs. Most employers test for drugs and
if you fail the test, you won't get a second chance, unless
you're in the National Football League. If you like to get
high several times a week, apply for a job as a flight
attendant. It's safer and it won't deplete your bank
account. Just be careful how you greet the passengers: "Good
morning! Hope you have a good fright!"

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(c) Copyright 2009 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
MelvinDurai.com

Job Abbreviations

The interviewer examined the job application
then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date
you are available to start, meaning as soon
as possible, of course. However, I see you've
put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe
I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Funny Definations

Knowledge is power, So make your fundas clear!!!

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

***********
Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

***********
Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

***********
Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

***********
Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

***********
Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

***********
Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

***********
Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .

***********
Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.

***********
Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

***********
Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

***********
Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

***********
Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

***********
Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

***********
Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

***********
Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

***********
Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

***********
Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

***********
Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

***********
Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

***********
Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

***********
Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

***********
Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

***********
Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

***********
Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

***********
Father:

A banker provided by nature.

***********
Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

***********
Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

***********
Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

***********
Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.