Melvin Durai's Humour: "THE OLYMPICS GIVE US REASON TO HOPE"

Column at Nshima.com

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone.

Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught only a little of the rhythmic dancing (Usain Bolt sure knows how to shake it). But I did watch quite a bit of the Jamaican sprint events, as well as the tiny tot gymnastics and the always-popular bikini show (disguised brilliantly as beach volleyball). And I got a thrill out of watching swimmer Michael Phelps make Olympic history, winning eight gold medals and setting a world record for total amount of chest exposure on TV. (Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.)

These Olympics certainly left us with many unforgettable moments, starting with the spectacular opening ceremony that mesmerized people all over the world, even causing one family in West Virginia to pose for photographs next to their TV screen. I don't know about you, but I won't soon forget the awesome fireworks display, almost too amazing to be true, as well as that cute little girl who did a fabulous job of lip-synching.

Perhaps the most impressive performance at the Olympics belonged to Phelps, who left viewers around the world shaking their heads and asking one question: "How does he do it?" Americans wondered how he manages to break so many world records, while Germans and Russians wondered how he manages to pass all his drug tests.

Some experts debated endlessly whether Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. As for me, I just had to watch a few of his races to realize that he's the greatest athlete to ever compete in the Olympics wearing Speedos.
Bolt does not wear Speedos, but he's extremely speedy. So speedy, in fact, that he broke the world record in the 100m dash, despite taking a break in the middle to eat some Jamaican jerk chicken. It happened so fast that only sharp-eyed IOC president Jacques Rogge noticed it and made a big issue of the Jamaican jerk.

Bolt and Phelps were phenomenal, but so was Natalie du Toit, the South African swimmer. Du Toit had her left leg amputated at the knee in 2001 after a scooter accident, but kept competing and became the first female amputee to ever qualify for the Olympics. She finished 16th among 24 swimmers in the 10km marathon, ahead of eight swimmers and only about 80 seconds behind the winner. Just imagine what a difference another leg would have made. Yes, those eight swimmers might have beaten her with three.

Du Toit didn't win a medal, but she inspired many people and was part of a great showing by African athletes, who won 40 medals, a record for the continent. Most of the medals came in running, but if you don't think Africans can attack the water as aggressively as Phelps, you should have seen the Kenyans after the marathon. You should have also seen Tunisia's Oussama Mellouli, who won a gold medal in 1500m freestyle, and Zimbabwe's Kirsty Coventry, who won one gold and three silver, causing people in her homeland to name another cluster of babies after her: Backstroke Banda, Goldmedal Gondwe and Swimwell Sakala.

India won three medals in Beijing, including Abhinav Bindra's gold medal in shooting. I'm most proud of the bronze medal that boxer Vijender Kumar won. I never thought an Indian would bring home a medal in boxing, not without breaking into the Cuban hotel rooms. But Vijender did it, and thanks to him, I can finally walk into a boxing gym, put on a pair of gloves and step into the ring, believing that I might be able to hold my own for a few minutes, at least until the other fighter shows up.

That's what the Olympics do -- they give us hope. Hope that we can be like Phelps or Bolt or Kumar. Hope that we can make the most of our abilities, like du Toit. Hope that even if we're short on talent, we can lip-synch our way to fame.

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(c) Copyright 2008 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
MelvinDurai.com

Melvin Durai's Humor: "THE SHOT HEARD AROUND THE WORLD"

Column at Nshima.com

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop Indians from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, "Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!"

Almost everyone in India, from the Prime Minister to the church minister, heaped praise on Bindra. Even members of the Indian Astronomers Association, attending a convention in Pune, took a break from the proceedings to applaud the "shooting star."

Congratulatory messages poured into India from all over the world. U.S. presidential candidate John McCain, hoping to endear himself to Indian-American voters, sent a congratulatory card that he said was "from one straight shooter to another."

Indian legislators debated a motion to celebrate Aug. 11 every year as Gold Medal Day. They voted down a proposal to display Bindra's medal at a national museum in Delhi, amid fears that the building would not be able to handle the millions who would come to view it.

The excitement and celebration may have seemed overblown, but not to Indians. "People around the world may not know this," a Chennai man said, "but we Indians really love gold!"

Bindra's victory, combined with shooter Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore's silver medal at the 2004 Olympics, is expected to increase the popularity of shooting in India, drawing thousands of youngsters to shooting competitions and exhibitions during breaks from cricket.

"We want shooting to be more popular in India," said sports administrator Baljit Singh, "but not as popular as it is in America."

Hoping to match the success of TGC (The Golf Channel) in America, media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced that Indian viewers would soon be treated to TSC (The Shooting Channel).
It's expected to feature various shooting competitions from around the world, as well as reruns of the American shows "Gunsmoke" and "Have Gun Will Travel."

Rajesh Patel, who has been hired as a TSC analyst, said Bindra's victory will have a lasting impact in India, even on sports announcing. "We're not going to say that someone's performance is 'simply wonderful' anymore," he said. "We're going to say that it's 'simply Bindraful.'"

Schoolchildren for years to come will learn about Bindra, thanks partly to an Indian publisher who has already put out a special alphabet book: "A is for Abhinav. Abhinav is first name of champion. B is for Bindra. Bindra is surname of champion. C is for Chapati. Chapati is food of champion."

Bindra has not just earned a lifetime of adulation, he has become India's most eligible bachelor, receiving a flood of marriage proposals. Said his proud mother: "We have received proposals from North Indians, South Indians, even West Indians."

Indeed, a Trinidad dairy farmer with a 20-year-old daughter offered 1,000 cows in dowry, but Bindra turned down the offer, saying he doesn't want to milk his fame.

That pleased Indian sports fans, who want Bindra to choose his bride carefully, believing that the country's future Olympic glory rests partly on what type of genes his children inherit. Some are even dreaming of a match between Bindra and badminton star Saina Nehwal, an Olympic quarterfinalist. But that would be folly, according to one Indian scientist, who said, "If we match a badmintoner with a shooter, we might end up with a badshooter."

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(c) Copyright 2008 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
MelvinDurai.com
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