Answer of the Year to the Question of the Day!

Mother-in-Law

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Rahul proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Asthma Attack!

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But
Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never
seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If
you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes
out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about
to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh! "

- My Funny Inbox
massive collection of funny e-mails, jokes, funny pictures

Funny Definations

Knowledge is power, So make your fundas clear!!!

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

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Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

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Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

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Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

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Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

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Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

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Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

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Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .

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Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.

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Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

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Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

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Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

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Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

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Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

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Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

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Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

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Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

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Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

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Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

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Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

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Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

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Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

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Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

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Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

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Father:

A banker provided by nature.

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Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

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Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

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Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

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Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Doctor Jokes

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade. "
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

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"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

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"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8. ..7..."

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Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

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A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Mark Wachs, The funniest jokes and how to tell them

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"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e.tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") ☺

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b.. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how Iwould spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c.. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")